A Mother's Power

The responsibility that comes with becoming a mother is both frightening and exciting. I understand now that the reality of either loving your child or rejecting your child has far-reaching effects on them - it can mean the difference between them leading a happy, fulfilled life or one that is lived in constant self-denigration and unhappiness.

It is magical being a mother, but it was not something that was immediately obvious to me when I first became pregnant, nor throughout my pregnancy, nor during a scary, Cesarean-necessary birth. 

My mother had told me when I was about five that she hadn't wanted me, didn't want me. I had ruined her whole life as she could no longer get a divorce from my father- at that time marriage was inviolate! So I grew up knowing that my mother disliked and resented me: there were no kisses, no cuddles nor any show of care or love.

When I got married and became pregnant a year later, I had no notion of what being a mother meant, so I approached the whole thing in a cold, calculating frame of mind. I read everything there was to know about pregnancy - I had been a researcher with the Sunday Times Newspaper and so knew how to ferret out information. I was a well informed amateur which, it turned out, was quite useful when things went horribly wrong during the delivery. I had a pretty good idea about what the medical team were doing.

Returning home with my new baby, in considerable discomfort from my operation, I still had no particular bonds with my child. That is until a foolish midwife said something about my son and then I was a She-Devil from Hell! From deep within me came emotions I didn't think I was capable of producing- a burning, physical rage swept over my entire body, firing me to a height of anger I'd never felt before. At that same split second, I felt the most chest-swelling love for my little boy that still exists today, several decades later, and it is exactly the same with his younger brother. 

Being a mother had opened up an unknown sentient dimension in me that, in turn, opened up love, empathy and an awareness of real life. Prior to this, I had enjoyed a life of fabulous jobs, holidays and a social life to die for - I wasn't shallow, just ignorant of a finer state of humanity.

I love my two sons and I am so grateful that I got to experience something that my poor, misguided mother couldn't - mother love.